To say God showed me some things during our most recent adventure would be an understatement. Thankfully Henry is doing GREAT. The fluid around his heart is going down. Our cardiologist in Lubbock is up to speed and seeing us every 4 weeks for now. His scar looks amazing. He still has some soreness where the bone is still healing but most of the day you wouldn't know it. I'm so thankful to be on this side of the storm.
There are times in life that we go through dark places, through storms... times that we cannot comprehend why God would allow it. The creator of Heaven and Earth CAN intervene.. but sometimes, lots of times, He doesn't.
One of my main fears in Henry's heart surgery was losing him. I've had enough fellow adoptive friends that HAVE lost their precious kiddos that all I could think of was them during those weeks before we left. If God didn't intervene for them, why would He intervene for me. Songs and verses and encouraging words from friends helped usher me to the feet of God with that one worry. Even if He didn't intervene, even if the worst happened, God was still God... and He still loved me fiercely. I just had to put my son and this situation in God's hands.
The BIGGEST lesson happened the day before and morning of Henry's open heart surgery. I was sitting in the pre-op appointments, holding him down, consoling him, trying to convince him everything would be ok and that he needed to do each thing. Inside i just wanted to say "never mind, lets GO!" I wanted to scoop him up and take him home and skip it all. Every time a doctor or nurse would come in and go over all of the dangers and possibilities, my mind would go numb and all i could think was "God, I don't want to do this!"
The morning of surgery as we sat with him waiting for him to be wheeled back for surgery God showed me, what I think, was a huge lesson. We knew this had to be done. It was for his own good. It was so his heart would be stronger, so he could run and play without worry of heart failure. He HAD to go through this so his life would be better down the road. There were things the doctors would do during this hard part (shots, iv's, stitches, cutting, etc) that would make his life SO much better. I feel like as i held Henry's hand in that moment God whispered. "Jenn, this is exactly how I've felt every time you've had to go through something hard. When you struggled and hurt through 6 years of unsuccessful fertility treatments, the miscarriage, all of it... oh i wanted to scoop you up and say "never mind".. lets find another way... but i knew that hard part, would be what helped you get to the great part. THIS part. It broke my heart to watch you hurt. It ripped my heart out for you to not be able to understand that you had to walk that path. That me rescuing you from it, wouldn't have helped you. So i get it sweet child, I get it. But trust that even though Henry wont understand the pain, it's how we get to the good stuff" To be able to see God's perspective for that second really helped me let go and trust the doctors. And though I haven't questioned that difficult path since the day I saw Emily's face in an email. I understood so much more of how God must've felt during that time. How he feels EVERY time we have to go through a difficult season. It was a moment I wont ever forget.
For most of my faith journey, i've looked for God in every "little" thing. When I worked as a Youth Director I always asked my youth "Where have you seen God lately?" On mission trips and retreats it was a daily question. It was something, after 9 years of youth ministry, and asking that question on a regular basis... that I was definitely in the habit of asking myself. My post last month showed just
a few God winks that we experienced(the snow, the rainbows, etc). From the first Tshirt purchased to the last meal delivered to our home, from prayers from family, from friends, and from complete strangers. He has made it SO incredibly clear to us that He was/is with us, walking with us, holding our hands, holding us. I've seen Him in EACH of you. If you have read this blog and silently prayed. Watched and hoped the best from a distance or texted me every day so that we knew you were thinking of us. I've seen Him in you.
And that night. That night we ended up in the ER when we were supposed to be getting ready to go to the airport. I was so tired. I was at the very end of my rope. I was so worried. The thought of finding a chair that made to a cot (i had to search for a solid day before we got one when were put in the regular cardiac unit after surgery), the though of rounding up enough linens to be warm in a freezing room, the thought of one more thing being difficult... brought me to tears. But after 7.5 hours in the ER, they came and got us to take us to the floor. I walked into a room that was warm. Henry's bed was made, MY chair/cot bed was there and made with plenty of blankets, and as I laid down my head, looking out the window... It began to snow.
God loves us. More than we will ever know. That much is clear to me. He is So Good. As long as I am able, I will sing of the Goodness of God.
Listen to The Goodness of God !
Thank you for joining us on this adventure... until the next one!
With Hope and a whole lot of Love,
Jenn
